The Pain.

I wake up at 3am and suddenly I feel the pain that I haven’t felt in a very long while.
I start yelling… Making noises like a dying animal.
No one hears me.
They’re all sound asleep. Snug in their warm little beds.
And I’m here. Feeling this… This torture…
Oh God, it hurts so much.
Why now, after so long? Why now?
I start breathing erratically and I can’t stop it. I can’t control it.
The pain… it just courses through and it doesn’t get any better no matter how much I toss and turn.
It doesn’t go away.
It only gets worse with every move I make.
It feels like someone’s tearing through my insides, ripping everything apart.
Very much like a dying animal.
Put me out of my misery.
My body starts shaking and it contorts, trying to reposition itself in a manner so that the pain would magically disappear. I only wish that such a position existed.
Nothing can take this pain away.
Well, nothing except for those pills that the doctor prescribed to me those many years ago. The ones that I have long since used up.

“Don’t wait for the pain” the doctor said, but mum always made me wait for it to hit me anyways.
It had to hurt before I could make it go away. She wouldn’t just let me avoid it completely. No. Because she wanted me to be sure that I was in enough pain to use them. It had to be intense enough that I had to use the pain killers.
She always made me wait…

My limbs twist and twitch and there’s nothing I can do about it. I no longer have control over my body.

I can’t think to just get up out of bed and take those friendly pills that awaited me on my dresser. I can’t. The pain is too much. Too afraid to get out of bed. Fearing how much more it would hurt if I got up and walked those few steps, knowing I would only collapse to the floor and curl up into a ball like a baby. No, I wasn’t thinking.

My hands ball up into fists. My nails digging into my skin, a failed attempt to distract myself from the more massive pain.

After an hour, things go silent for a moment… my body goes still… and suddenly I can breathe normally again. The pain begins to die down but it’s still there. Just less severe, but still there. *sigh* I hate when this happens.

[fin.]

Errrrgh.