Meh.

Prepare for a day that wasn’t exactly the best… And I warn you, do not read on if you hate stupid stories about a girl being sad for a day. And “screw you” to those who will, after reading this, think “get over it you pussy.” Think what you want but screw… You…

I haven’t cried in a very long time… Jess has enough people going to her for help or just to talk to about their problems. I don’t want to bother her so I’ll just leave her be. Let her enjoy her anime. :P

So… My day was going pretty well. Anatomy wasn’t so bad, Philosophy was veeeeery interesting, and dance was fun.

Then came my lunch break…

Jess wanted to eat at Cha for Tea and Charlie just had to call Justin because he wanted free food. I mean, I don’t blame him but I knew how things were going to happen. I would sit there silent and listening, and Charlie and Justin would have their own thing going on.

I know Charlie hopes that me and Justin will somehow magically stop being awkward, but I honestly don’t see that happening.

So indeed I sat there, not eating because I needed to save money for when Chris and I take out Anty for her birthday. Just because I’ve been over him for just about forever now, doesn’t mean that things won’t be weird. I couldn’t help but feel awkward. I KNOW I’m being awkward but there’s NO way that things wouldn’t be awkward. The history will always be there. I just stared at Jess and Jean eating and Charlie copying down my lab. At one point I turned to Justin and asked him about how that Halo tournament went. He answered. But as he did, he only looked at me for about a second and quickly turned to Jess to finish his statement. He immediately changed the subject to talk to Charlie.

I’m obviously not the only one being awkward. So as I sat there, I couldn’t help but feel sad because he won’t even look me in the face when he’s talking to me. I can’t even look me in the face at all. What did I do that he can’t even look me in the face? I can’t handle that. I just can’t. And whenever I start to think to myself, “Ok. Maybe Charlie’s right. Maybe, just MAYBE me and Justin could be friends again. Maybe I’ll try. Maybe…” I think about what Justin told me that one night… “Cheer up. At least I didn’t use you and give my penis what it wanted.” Oh… Thanks… Glad to see that’s all you wanted…

I feel like… Every time I see him it’s like he’s forcing himself to say “hi” to me. And I don’t want to hang out with someone that has to force themselves to be nice to me or to act a certain way towards me just to please another friend. And I know that I can’t really talk to him about much. Whatever I could say, it’s going to be awkward. But at least I have the courtesy to look you in the face when I’m talking to you.

I switched seats with Charlie saying “I know you want to switch so you can talk to him.” Because I knew that I sure as hell wasn’t going to talk to him. After that I just played connect 4 with Jess and Jean. That was the only fun I had.

Yep. I don’t want to hang out with Justin. No thanks. I don’t need nor want the awkwardness. I don’t even want to try anymore because I know it’s hopeless.

There are other things but I don’t want to start shit and people WILL talk shit… No thank you, drama. Keep away, please.

After lunch, I just wanted to get home as soon as possible (even ditched Physio) so I could go out and have fun with Chris and Anty. Yay, cousins! <3

I drove home from Jess’s house, picked up Chris, then Anty. It was Anty’s birthday on Monday and she was SUPPOSED to have a party on Saturday but that was canceled so Chris and I wanted to treat her out. :)

For Anty’s birthday gift, Sandy had decided to give her used products. These Eeyore plushies that were given to her by her ex, Dan. It’s funny, because when Anty saw them, she was like “I have a feeling these were from Danita.” Haha. Silly girl.

We were off to Kabuki for lunch. Yay for Happy Hour! Haha. We were all stuffed and we almost didn’t finish our food. :P


Unfinished. :(







Wheee! Water, water everywhere! XD





Afterwards we drove to Alhambra to take Cue pictures. And it was when we were decorating the pictures when tita Lisa called. Then I realized “holy shit I forgot to invite Kevin!” So yeah, I felt like shit. Like SHITTY SHIT SHIT.


Om nom nom. :D















Someone said something funny so he started choking.



He was so full.



Haha! Silly girl. Chris told her that her eyes were too small. :P She corrected the problem.





Naturally, after Cue there was Crepe in the Grip which was right next door. Om nom nom. :)


Looking at my Cue infested bag. Lol.






Yummeh!



Om nom nom nom!








The drive home was funny. Chris blasted my ipod and started singing extremely loudly with the windows down. No doubt, VERY entertaining. It was especially entertaining because he didn’t know the words to the songs. Haha.

We brought Anty home and Chris stayed over for a bit.

I don’t know what happened (I’m not even sure WHEN it happened), but something in me just… I don’t know. But I became really, REALLY sad.

Sometimes I can’t handle the way Chris makes fun of me. I mean, I KNOW he’s just joking, but sometimes I still take it seriously. And I know that whatever he says, no matter the joke, he’s half serious about it. For example, when he said “you’re a slut” to Anty. He’s joking, but at the same time, he means it.

I’m also reluctant to tell him things now because every time I do, he ends up turning it into a joke when I don’t think of it as a laughing matter. Like, when I tell him about guys, he just ends up making fun of me about it at random times of the day. I don’t like it. I tell him my secrets and I tell him nearly everything because I trust that he’ll understand, not tell anyone else and try to help me. But sometimes he just makes me feel worse and he makes me feel like never telling him, or anyone for that matter, anything ever again. And sometimes he just blurts things out no matter who’s around to hear it. Chris, you’re my best cousin and I love you and I know you care about me. But can you please just… *sigh* I don’ hate you. That will never happen. You just made me sad today, ok.

It is at times when Chris and even when Charlie makes fun of me or whenever they mock me, that I feel like never opening up to anyone ever again. I feel like not being myself, like I have to act a certain way just so that they won’t make fun of me. I have to shut the fuck up and stay quiet just so that they can’t hurt me in these miniscule ways that they do. I always tolerate their jokes but today I was just thinking about it and I just felt sad. That’s all… I guess… Plus the not-so-great lunch that had occurred earlier didn’t make me feel better either.

As he was leaving, he was walking past me when he looked at me and said “Stop being emo. Gosh.” I thought to myself “How can I NOT be emo when you’ve been acting like a jerk this whole day…” I kid you not, the WHOLE day. At first I was like "Meh. This is normal" but then he just WOULDN'T stop. It's like what the heck crawled up your ass and died this morning? Anty had to tell him to shut up so many times today. lol.

I’m sorry. I know you’re always just joking and I’m just overreacting about this whole thing but I was already having a semi-bad day so you can’t blame me! So… don’t trip, ok. And don’t start acting weird around me. Don’t suddenly just STOP making your jokes. I don’t want that. I don’t want you to worry about hurting my feelings every time you tell a joke. I’ll tolerate it once more.

He looked at me “Why are you tearing up?”
“Nothing.” I gave the biggest, most painfully fake smile I could muster.
“I’m not leaving until you tell me.”
“It’s nothing. I’m just overreacting.”
He looked at me and said “I’m sorry for whatever I did. I hope you feel better kiddo.” and left.

I walked in the house, sat down and cried for a bit. I haven’t cried like that in a very long time. haha. Usually, after crying I feel fine and dandy. lol. Funny, ain’t it? All I have to do is cry to feel better.

Anyways, I went to my laptop and started typing so that I could figure out for myself exactly WHY I was crying. So there it is. S’all good now.

All in all… I only half enjoyed today. I was just down in the dumps. And don’t act like you’ve never felt that way before.

Anyways, happy birthday Anty! Love ya! LAPALAPALAPA!
[fin]