Apologies...

This is how my parents reacted when I apologized for my behavior.

"Mommy... I'm sorry about yesterday..."
"You tell that to your dad!"

Then when I saw my dad...
"Daddy..."
"Hmm?"
"I'm sorry about yesterday..."
*looks at me for a moment & walks away*

I felt pretty shitty about the way I acted the other day but I'm only human. I mean, if you lecture me about something, I'm not going to jump for joy and say, "Thank you so much! I really needed that lecture! :D" And if I don't agree with you about something, I'm not going to suddenly change my opinion and say, "Oh yes! You're always right and I'm always wrong. I'm soooo sorry!" I'm GOING to be annoyed. I'm GOING to be mad. I WILL give you some attitude. And I'm sorry but I'm only human!

My mom understood this... A couple minutes after I apologized, she called me and Sandy to her room to have a little talk. She told me that she knew how I felt and that it was understandable that I acted the way I did. She said that whenever her parents would lecture her or whenever she was mad about something, she wouldn't eat and she would tell everyone that she would kill herself. That isn't exactly the same as the way I acted but I guess our experiences could relate.

Suddenly, everything I was thinking came out of her mouth. We're only human. We're going to act in ways that we might regret. We aren't perfect.

She said that she tried to explain to daddy that we're only human and we are going to be pissed but she said that he wouldn't listen. She told us that she asked him, "Didn't YOU ever get mad when your parents lectured you?" and he replied a simple "No." He doesn't understand and frankly, that really sucks.

He doesn't know how to control his anger. Like that day when I was pissed, right after church he yelled at me "THAT'S THE LAST TIME I INSTRUCT YOU! YOU HEAR ME!? YOU GOT THAT!? THAT'S THE LAST TIME! AND STOP BEING GRUMPY!" then he slammed the door. Ok... How can I NOT be grumpy when you're fucking yelling at me!? He can be so stupid and immature sometimes. I swear. This is why I was reluctant to apologize to him.

With my mom, on the other hand, I desperately wanted to apologize for the way I acted. I was awake for the longest time that night, just wanting to apologize to her. Ok. Back to me and Sandy in her room for our little talk... She asked me why I apologized. She just wanted to hear from me what I did wrong. So I told her "I was annoyed about daddy and the parking, and about the night before. And... You... were just trying to comfort me... and I pushed you away..." I was tearing up now. In my head I was thinking "There you were. You saw how mad I was. You saw everything and you just wanted to show me that you loved me and that you understood how I was feeling. You hugged me so tightly and I pushed you away! I pushed you away and you hadn't done anything wrong to me. And I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! And I hope that no matter how mad I get or how stupidly I act, you never forget that I love you and that I am SO lucky and grateful to have a mom like you. I love you."







Sometimes I really hate myself...







Well, now it seems that every thing's ok, kind of. A couple more days and everything will be back to normal.

Just so you know, I NEVER fight with my parents. I repeat, NEVER. So this was kind of a first and hopefully the last for me.

Suddenly I am reminded of a time my mom made me cry waaaay back when I was a kid. It wasn't a fight but she said something that made me cry and she was laughing at me. I went to my room and cried there. After a while, my dad walked in and said, "Back in the Philippines, parents never apologize to their kids." which made me cry even more. Good job, daddy. Way to comfort your crying child.



Anyways, my plans for the week...?

Today- hang out with the cousins
Wednesday- cara's going away party?
Thursday- laser tag
Friday- beach w/xtia&stace - movie w/cousins
Saturday- book signing w/jess

let's see how this goes.

[fin.]