051608nanay.

i feel really bad for nanay. she really HAS just lost her mind. she doesn't know who we are. she usually just sits there... and it really is sad to watch. sometimes she's cleaning... picking up trash on the floor and putting it into bags with clothes and papers. then when she leaves we have to put everything back where it was. we'd never know if she threw away any important papers or took any clothes that she thought were hers.

i don't think she really understands either. i mean, she laughs at my dad's jokes... and NO ONE ever laughs at my dad's jokes. honestly. i think she only laughs because HE laughs. she doesn't know who anyone is and when my mom tries to quiz her, sons become uncles, daughters become cousins, and she even thinks tatay's alive sometimes. when we know she took something that wasn't hers, they ask her "where did you get that? it's nice." and she would respond "oh. tatay gave it to me."

then i think of tatay and how much i loved him as a child. and i think about how i never got to see him when i was older and how i never got to say goodbye. all i wanted to do was just say goodbye. and when my mom got the call that he had died... i just walked to my room... locked the door... and broke down in tears. then all the memories of him playing with me and michael just rushed through my head, causing my tears to flow even harder... sandy was very much unaffected by the news of his death. she didn't love him. she had no memories... i know i didn't see him when i was older but i cried my heart out for him. i really did... i really just wanted to say goodbye. same with tita tess. when we last saw her, i wanted to scream "wait! wait!," run to her, hug her tightly, and say "goodbye" because i knew it would be the last time i would see her alive... but my feet wouldn't move. i just stood there as they rolled her away into a different room. i'll always remember her face as it disappeared though the doorway... i'll always regret that. i never got to say goodbye...

anyways... back to nanay. they tell her when to sleep. they tell her when to eat because she supposedly doesn't know when she's hungry. they try to entertain her by putting on a movie but she ends up just getting up and "cleaning" the house. then she's always trying to "escape." we'd wake up in the morning and go downstairs only to discover her trying to open the door. she's ask for the keys, and even though they were right in front of her, we'd tell her that we didn't know where they were.

i remember when she ran away from our house. we had NO idea where she was. everyone was freaking out. even called the cops. then we found out that she walked to tita dory's place. she had been threatening that she would to back to the philippines but we didn't expect her to run away like that.

also sad is the fact that the aunts and uncles just trade her off every weekend or so since no one wants to take care of her. and she really just wants go to back home. i think she'd be happier there. but she can't go because of issues with health insurance or something.

X[ ok i'm gonna stop talking. i have finals to study for. -_- and good luck to everyone with that.

i just started talking because it was our turn to take care of her this weekend. and it's always the same. every time... :/